Elevator Drama

So this is me on the elevator today at work. Yes, I got stuck on the elevator. When they opened it, there was EXACTLY this much space, AND I had a skirt on. As only my luck would have it I was on the elevator by myself, thankfully the lights stayed on so I wasnt in the dark.

I got on the elevator at basement level. It started to go up. It stoped at the lobby and the "Safety Manager", yes that is her official title, got on. We continued up the floors. She got of on the third floor. I was heading to the fourth floor. Just as the doors closed on the third floor it started up about 8 ft, started jerking REALLY bad and then came to a screaching halt. I was scared right out of my skirt. I started crying, only because I had a dream about two weeks ago about getting stuck on an elevator (honest to God, I really did).

I calmed myself down and decided to push the telephone button. I got a dial tone, however, it did not ring or dial out to anyone. I then decided to push the fire department button, but it did not push- BROKEN. Then I push the alarm button, but all that does is ring a bell. I could hear the other elevator going up and down carrying people. So I continued to ring the alarm button. Nobody responded so I started to yell for help. Someone heard me yelling and said "oh, someone is in there yelling for help (talking to someone else)" and then preceded to ask me "Do you need help?" I said yes that I was stuck and they said they where going to get someone. The Assistant Director of the Forest Service comes and asks me what floor it says I am on- it said 4, however, I could see the floor of the 4th floor above my head... eventually (an hour later) the fire department showed up, opened the doors and had to get a ladder down in the whole to get me up. Then I had to squeeze through the tiny space and get out. All while I am in a skirt. It was embarrassing, funny and a crowd started to form... never again will I ride the elevator here at work.

It is four stories of stairs daily for me here at work. Thats ok, maybe this is Gods way of telling me to start exercising...

Teething Blues

Liam has officially begun teething. I am going to rip my hair out. He started sleeping through the night at three months. Ohhhh how blessed I thought I was. I read a little about teething and how/when it affects babies. Some babies have NO side effects at all. They just wake up one morning with there first tooth. NOT Liam.

I have tried everything from Humphreys to Orajel to Tylenol. Nothing seems to work. Some nights he wakes up two or three times and stays up for HOURS. Luck will have it though that on the nights his Daddy is tending to him (yes we take turns every night) he sleeps through the WHOLE night. Its only on my nights that he wakes up for hours. I feel so bad- I have given him cold wash rags, teething rings and any medication made for teething. Nothing helps. He likes chewing on the nipple to his bottle and if I put my finger in his mouth he LOVES it. Poor baby.

He is NOW called "The Drooler". It pours out of his mouth. God forbid you play airplane with him or else you will have slobber in your eye or even worse, your mouth.

Whale or Mermaid?

Recently, in large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan
woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said:

THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?

A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of
the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the
gym.

To Whom It May Concern:

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious
humans). They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable
baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves
with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like
Patagonia, the Barren Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia . Whales are
wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures
and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected
and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the
offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human?
They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them not
to mention how could they have sex? Therefore they don't have kids either.
Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish
store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only
skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my
kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a coffee with my
friends. With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information
and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out
to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I
will think, "Good gosh, look how smart I am....

The Bond Between Man & Dog

Isn't this the cutest picture you have ever seen? Our very good friends, Nate & Diedra, just got a french bulldog named Astro. Astro and Liam have become very acquainted. As a matter of fact Liam is obsessed with this cute little dog.

In exchange for daily kibble, a place to sleep, and a pat on the head, contemporary canines will do almost anything for us -- guide us when we're blind, pull our sleds across the snow swept tundra, retrieve dead ducks from a lake, even sniff through toxic rubble in search of buried cadavers. As any cop will tell you, the dullest of tail waggers still exceeds by good measure the best burglar alarm ever invented.

Dogs enjoy a unique relationship with humans unlike any other domesticated species capable of serving our many whimsical and utilitarian needs. In the event you have never noticed, dog spelled backwards is God. If it seems strange to think of dogs in such context. Billy Graham once said in a column he thinks dogs and cats will be in heaven if that's what it takes to make their owners happy there.

You may refer to this connection as spiritual or inspirational, or as something indefinable, improving our lives and making us better than we are ... the creation of the dog cannot be an accident; it has to be a generous, merciful gift from the heavens for those with the good sense to accept it.

So... now Liam has a best friend with four legs and a tongue for licking. Oh yeah, and he is his size!!!